Your Marriage Isnt Hopeless

Your Marriage isn't Hopeless

Lots of marriages seem to peter out. The couple lets the spark die and can't renew it. Infidelity creeps in because one or another's needs aren't being met, or because the couple can't seem to get along anymore. Or there are those who simply run into a roadblock they can't seem to overcome. Certain issues will always creep into a marriage and be hard to solve. Marriage actually seems to go through cycles, periods of bliss, followed by a rut or perhaps a contentious issue, then settled and blissful again. But when a married couple gets stuck in one of these periods and can't seem to climb out of it, the relationship stagnates and both people drift apart. If you are in one of these situations, realize that your marriage isn't hopeless.

If all of the important things are there, respect, trust and love, everything else can be fixed. You'll have to invest a lot of time, patience and understanding to get through it. But if you can do that you can turn a marriage that has fallen flat into one that is vibrant and fulfilling. Follow these steps to renew your marriage. The first thing to do is to make a list of all the problems you are experiencing, the things you quarrel about. The marriage will be reborn once you have addressed these issues in a manner acceptable to both parties. Remember you are looking for the win-win, or at least a compromise you can both live with. If someone feels slighted it isn't going to work.

When you try to force your partner to change they will resent it, become defensive and throw up walls instead of inviting you in. This will impede progress. Next, a very difficult step to get through, address the issues you are bringing to the marriage. What emotional baggage do you have and how does it express itself when you and your spouse interact over a certain contentious issue? How could you address the issue in a different way? For instance, if you are nagging, consider using humor to address the problem. Start a to-do list for chores instead of bringing the matter up time and again, being ignored and getting angry. Perhaps finding other ways to communicate will alleviate the problem such as text or email. Let your spouse know that you are changing your behavior and working on your issues to make the marriage better. They will likely respond by examining their own behavior and ways to make it more copasetic to the relationship.

Listen actively. Repeat back what you have heard your spouse say in your own words. Don't invalidate their feelings, validate them. "Of course you would feel that way because (blank) happened." Lots of fights occur through misunderstanding and the invalidation of the other's feelings. Jettison all negative communication. Sarcasm, finger pointing, shaming, passive-aggression and more have no place in a marriage. They poison it until it is dead. The latest research has shown that marriages that last have five positive interactions for each negative one. Inject positive interactions into you marriage: a hug, holding hands, a kiss, seduction, a love note, a little gesture of appreciation, a "thank you" even if it was their chore anyway. Cherish one another and your relationship will blossom anew. For more advice read, "Fighting For Your Marriage "by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, and Susan L. Blumberg.

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