To Recover Before It Happens
The magnet of a castle owned exclusively by him disappears from his mind. 'Ownership' of the marriage becomes joint with intentions for him to be top dog, whenever two bosses disagree. The two-income lifestyle also assuage his fears of "Maybe I can't do it" with one.
His escape 'victory' away from 100% activates his competitive urges to continue in the same direction. If she relinquished on 100%, how much further should he take her? Greater capability or more independence for her means less dependence on him. He doesn't have to work for it; she comes by it on her own. But if he ever thinks of ditching her, his mind has been changed. Thus, two-incomes endlessly stir their marriage with his competitive spirit that applies pressure to move away from her dependence on him.
He sees to it that future events and marital decisions favor his independence over her dependence. For example, as if he never gets one, her pay raises outshine whatever sense he has of being her provider-protector. If he gains some control of her money, he can overlook his discomfort. If not, he can resent her capability to earn more on her own, which he can use against her if ever it becomes necessary. (He responds to resentment by promising himself a future advantage; it's that primal competitive urge sprouting forth.) Thus, he gains competitive advantages in his mind while making her less dependent in his heart. With each advantage gained over her, his respect also declines.
Were he to marry based on a one-income household, his sense of responsibility would move their marriage toward more mutual dependence, not less. See the difference? Her complete dependence pushes him to improve that condition; it's his responsibility to do so. Less than complete dependence, however, pushes him to improve his position relative to her and his competitive spirit never ends.
Moreover, in another way her natural cooperative spirit works against her. He competes and she cooperates, and he gains advantage easily.
Wife applies other pressures that work against her. In most of her homelife efforts, she seeks to bring them closer together. He senses pressure to be more responsible, which nudges him away from it.
With each step of progress for him, her dependence on him becomes less and less in his eyes. For example, unless he develops a stronger sense of responsibility for their children than for her, he likely remains forever opposed to her home schooling.
The 'two-income' husband expects to deliver less than he's capable of providing. Wife also expects less than he's capable, and the self-fulfilling prophecy fulfills once again. We all live up to the expectations of others and ourselves. When we deliver less than we are capable, we naturally produce less and less. It makes us look elsewhere to meet our capability, and men do it more easily than women. Unfortunately, both husbands and wives are in the same SFP boat. When the boat fills, husbands swim away while wives sink with prophecies fulfilled.
FOREGROUND. So, what's the modern 'two-income' wife to do?
Yesterday's post 1705 painted a bleary picture for two-income wives. Describing the male nature, I reported husbands' likely behavior if emotions, values, beliefs, and expectations don't override their primal nature.
'Two-income' and 'one-income' husbands differ. When husbands determine that wives are not quite good enough for them, two-income husbands find it easier to justify departure and easier on the conscience than that of husbands dumping stay-at-home wives. Otherwise, the wives are equally vulnerable.
Wives employed outside the home are somewhat handicapped but they can overcome. As with life, everything is relative and recovery is possible. The recovery strategy lies here: Gently, silently, and indirectly plant seeds of greater dependence on him. But to help that effort along you should go through some single-minded self-analysis.
First, quit worrying unless you detect red flags. Don't invent problems you don't have. Don't presume that you need to do anything. Be quick to presume that your marriage is sound and moving along just great.
Second, analyze the likelihood of you having contributed to a problem you don't yet see. Do it the same way as described for 'one-income' wives in post 1704. If you don't pass that self-analysis, proceed as described there.
Third, if your marriage looks solid in view of post 1704, review your husband's behavior in the recent past. See any red flags? Has he changed recently regarding work habits? Attention-to-you habits? Reliability habits? Hobby habits? Attitude change? Happiness change? Withdrawal from you? Satisfaction diminished with you and what you do?
If you see a red flag or two, don't blame him. DO NOT get it in your mind that he's cheating or even pulling away from you mentally if not physically. Your effort and attitude should be that of self-analyzing your marriage in which you both participate but only you can fix.
Don't get husband involved, as men are neither relationship experts nor willing to do relationship maintenance. If you do get him involved, he'll likely turn against you probably visibly but perhaps silently. You will lose more than you can gain.
So, you get red flags. What do you do? You have to figure it out from what you've learned about the male nature in this series bounced against the personal and interactive qualities of you and husband.
I close with vital pointers. Don't try to change him. Identify and tailor whatever changes you hope to make so that he doesn't become aware. Follow this strategy: Gently, silently, and indirectly plant seeds of your greater dependence on him.
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