The Silent Rule

You will be familiar with terms such as "we've fallen out", or "we're not on speaking terms". When a couple start ignoring or avoiding conversation with each other, a tense cold environment begins to develop. In reality, this becomes an unspoken established rule which creeps up, or "the Silent Rule" as I like to call it.

If you have ever found yourself in such a scenario, you may have experienced feelings of hurt, frustration, anger or disappointment - feeling let down because your spouse doesn't understand why you are so hurt and upset.

Miscommunication and, as in this case, no communication whatsoever has its burdensome consequences. As you think back to a time you may have experienced a similar scenario, you will realise that an invisible gap in your relationship came about. Unfortunately this gap only grows the longer there is silence between you both.

Before you know it, you are both sucked into rules which are emotionally draining and prolong the pain and unhappiness. You're not allowed to crack a joke, you can't share how you're day went, you're forbidden to give a hug or show any affection, and the rules go on.

Negative emotions such as hurt, anger, disappointment coupled with silence are the perfect ingredients for resentment to foster and grow.

What happens during the silence?

For some people this is a time to reflect - to go over the argument in their minds, and justify to themselves why they have the right to feel angry or hurt. Similar examples from the past may also come to mind, increasing the pile of reasons how he "always" hurts me and how she "never" respects me. Shaytan is right by your side to ensure one thought leads to another until eventually you start believing he doesn't love or care about you, or that she doesn't appreciate you.

The Silent Rule can be so strong it feels like a physical barrier between a couple. Even if you want to reach out to your spouse, the barrier won't allow it. It becomes more difficult to get past the barrier as time goes on.

How can the barrier be broken?

Here are a some suggestions you can use if you find yourself caught up in the Silent Rule:

* ASK ALLAH'S PROTECTION FROM SHAYTAN. Connect with Allah through sincere dua. Saying Ta'awwudh (I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed Satan) weakens the effects of shaytan.
* TRACK YOUR FIRST THOUGHT. Where did it all start? We can see in hindsight that which we were blind to at first. When we lose sight of the bigger picture, its easier to jump to conclusions.
* DISCUSS YOUR FEELINGS WITH YOUR SPOUSE. Put yourself in his shoes to understand his perspective and consider what's more important to you both - being in the right or building and maintaining a healthy marriage?
* REMEMBER, ALL THAT COMES OUR WAY IS A TEST. Ask yourself: how can we gain Allah's Pleasure through this trial which He knows we can bear?

"And if an evil suggestion from Satan incite thee, then seek refuge in Allah: surely, He is All-Hearing, All-Knowing." Quran 7:200

As you think back to a time of silence in your marriage, what helped you both get back on track?

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