5 Things I Will Always Be Slightly Distrustful Of

1. EVERYONE WHO WORKS AT AT&T

This applies for Verizon, T-Mobile and any other over-air-conditioned cellular monopoly that exists on this planet. No sane person should ever trust a guy rocking a greasy slick-back and a Bluetooth while trying to sell you an upgraded data plan. With their overly shiny leather shoes, tactful yet never tailored button-downs and frantic sped-up dialogue, I somehow always manage to leave AT&T feeling like I need a cold shower and an aids test pronto. Tread with caution.

2. PEOPLE WHO GO TO BURNING MAN

In theory this sounds like heaven, a hot desert filled with LSD-dropping naked people? Sign me up. In reality Burning Man is a one-way ticket to the looney bin, a fiery inferno of insanity. I imagine lots of weird smells, amplified body odor, lost souls, a never-ending hum of bongo drums and confusing body hair that eventually leads you down an acid-tripping path of colors, trampolines, and other nomadic gypsies such as yourself. The blind leading the blind I tell you.

3. FRIEND REQUESTS WITH NO MUTUAL FRIENDS

I am immediately skeptical. If there is not one other person that can vouch for your existence and sanity, then do you really exist? No, you are about as real as my tan in January. You are either a predatory pre-rape stalker, a robot, or a covert government experiment collecting strange social media data. Either way I see 0 mutual friends, I see evil. We cannot be deemed cyber friends, unless your pics prove you to be extremely good-looking, then maybe. This theory also applies to Twitter accounts with egg twiticons. I see an egg, I see danger.

4. SKINNY GIRLS WHO CONSTANTLY UPLOAD PICTURES OF FATTENING FOOD.

Let me just announce that I find ALL food pics on Instagram and Facebook to be incredibly useless and obnoxious. Everyone should be aware that if you are actively uploading lots of food pics, you are actively making people dislike you. It may be subconscious, but trust me, you are exponentially decreasing your chances of ever getting laid, making new friends, or getting invited anywhere. It's science. My skepticism rolls heavy when I am bombarded with pics of greasy pizza, late night Taco Bell binges, and Sprinkles cupcakes office-deliveries uploaded by some 94lb sorority girl or gangly hipster chick. It's like, bitch please, your hip bones are sharp enough to open cans. I'm not buying the idea that you devour a large Dominos on the daily just because you uploaded it and captioned it "Nom nom nom". Admit your starving like the rest of us and carry on your merry way.

5. PEOPLE IN WHEELCHAIRS AT DISNEYLAND

Are you really handicapped or just not wanting to wait in line? This may offend people who really are in wheelchairs, which I assume is a very large part of my readership, but I have definitely entertained the idea of taking a trip down to the Goodwill in order to purchase a used wheelchair for this very purpose. In fact, I went so far as to shop for one and found one. I ended up not buying it because a) there was a license plate on the back that said "Jessie", which made me feel uncomfortable and b) it was 100. Really Goodwill? Not only can someone not walk but now you are going to hit them with paying a hundred bucks to roll around town?! Not cool. With this being said, I will admit I am sorry for being slightly distrustful of wheel chaired patrons at Disneyland but I think we can all safely say the real tragedy is the hour and a half line for Indiana Jones that we all have to wait in. Clearly, you know who the real victims are in this situation. "(Below, must transfer)"

With this being said, the things I will forever be distrustful of is really a two-part post. I still have beef with landlords, cash-for-gold, the asians who do my pedicure, everything from Ikea, chicks who say they love watching football, promoters, sites ending in.net, cab drivers who don't accept credit card, carnies, and my cats. But those are all things we can address later yes? Cheers!