Hello Df

I don't want to go by my name here so you may call me by my username if you must. I've been wanting to talk about my depression with other people online other than close friends I know. I've been dealing with depression for a very long time. Let's just say my childhood wasn't easy whatsoever. I was taken advantage of by my older friends (girls) while I was around 6 or 7. Not sexually abused, but I was molested in a way. I didn't know it was wrong until I grew a little older.. While going through that I was psychically and mentally abused by my mother when I was younger. I think the worst beating I ever had was with a golf club. Yes a golf club. My sister had gotten jealous my Dad bought me a golf club so I could go and play at my grandma's club which I didn't end up doing in the end. I had eventually told my Mom to stop it or I'd report it and she eventually did stop. And it's been quiet since then. To be honest I have no clue why I still say I love you on a daily basis to her because I can never forgive her for what she did. Or why I didn't run away. I never wanted to go to school, which was odd considering I'd end up staying home with that woman that abused me. Let's just say I had really bad anxiety and asthma and it did not mix well at all. Sometimes bruises, too. Around 12-13 it occurred to me I had suicidal thoughts and really wanted to
myself with a knife and stab myself. I ended up not doing that thankfully because I wouldn't be here right now telling you my life. While going through my teenage years it was a struggle as I would have so many mixed emotions. Lots of crying at night. Getting very agitated easily. And most typical signs of major depressive disorder. I've also been dealing with weight issues since I was a young kid because I would emotionally eat constantly. Fast forward to my late teens I started to get hooked on narcotic painkillers after going through my gallbladder surgery. It made me feel numb completely and it's what I really needed to escape the real world. And my depression had got even worse after going through surgery. I'm not sure why but I was dealing with pain for so long and was being thrown around between doctors and treated like dirt. Maybe it's why I felt even worse. In August of last year I finally got the courage to go to a doctor and was prescribed the generic brand of Venlafaxine after discussing with her of what I was dealing with just about daily/long time. I started to take my medicine and never checked back in with her after two weeks.I eventually stopped taking them for a month or so then I said I should start taking them again November so I did. My meds aren't currently working and I'm on my last of my refills. Here I am typing because I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts and other symptoms. The only thing they slightly help with is my suicidal thoughts some of the time. I noticed if I'm not on meds I feel even more suicidal. My depression is the worst at night, though I have symptoms during the day aswell. I just wanted to get this all out as to why I'm probably dealing with suicidal thoughts even right now. And have attempted suicide last year but never got help so I slept it off very upset. I'm also dealing with OCD somewhat and it's progressively gotten worse but that's not really relevant to my topic at hand. I've been thinking about applying for SSI disability considering I hardly go out and I feel like I would never be able to hold a job (have never worked in my life). But I feel like that would be very difficult considering I had no medical history to back me up as I don't want to deal with my old doctor. She never checked in on me (call not once) and I just feel like she doesn't care at all. I'm currently 20. Thanks for reading if you do. I hope I can get some help here as this seems like the place to be online with very supportive people.

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