Collage070

Collage 070 H u m o u r N e t 1995It's final-exam time for many of the list members, and Collage 70contains some timely final-exam humor. Many thanks to Matt for the"Battle Hymn of Term Finals" and to James for providing a copy of"The Final Exam." (But didn't anyone tell you, James, that we needthe *answers*, too?)- Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator HumourNet@telephonet."Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message"Battle Hymn of Term Finals"(Sung to The Battle Hymn Of The Republic)Mine eyes have seen the horrorOf the ending of the termIt has poisoned all my spiritsLike an apple with a wormIt's infected all my freedomLike an ugly cancer germThe truth shall soon be known.Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation, Failure and humiliation, Failure, failure, academia, The truth shall soon be known.I have listened to the teachersBut the homework leaves me coldI have never done assignmentsAlthough many times been toldI have even missed my classesWhen I was feeling boldThe truth shall soon be knownChorus: Failure, failure, degradation, Failure and humiliation, Failure, failure, academia, The truth shall soon be known.They are adding all my points upAnd I haven't earned but fewIn fact, I haven't even gottenMore than one or twoOh, if I could only find an answerAnything to doThe truth shall soon be known.Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation, Failure and humiliation, Failure, failure, academia, The truth shall soon be known.On the lines of every gradebookThere is solemn news for meThe worst is yet to come whenFinancial Aid ignores my pleaSo I guess the only answer isTo drop my books and fleeThe truth shall soon be known.Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation, Failure and humiliation, Failure, failure, academia, The truth shall soon be known.Well, the end has finally comeAnd I have failed to pass a classThough the fun and laughter, goofing offWas really quite a gasBut I won't be in the numbersOf the capped and gowned massThe truth was finally shown.Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation, Failure, and humilation, Failure, failure, academia, The truth was finally known.
[ H U M O U R N E T ]
SUBJ: The Final ExamPlease use a #2 pencil and fill in all questions completely.INSTRUCTIONS Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit--four hours. Begin immediately.HISTORY Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrate specially but not exclu- sively, on the social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.LITERATURE Compose an epic poem based on the events of your own life in which you see and footnote allusions from T.S. Eliot, Keats, Chaucer, Dante, Norse mythology and the Marx Bro- thers. Critique your poem with a full discussion of its metrics.MUSIC Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.LOGIC Using accepted methodology prove the following: That the universe is infinite; that truth is beauty; that there is not a little person who turns off the light in the refrigerator when you close the door, and that you are the person taking this exam. Now disprove all of the above. Be specific; show all work.PHILOSOPHY Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.MEDICINE You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. Your have fifteen minutes.BIOLOGY Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent hu- man culture if this form of life had developed five hun- dred years earlier, with special attention to the pro- bable effects on the English Parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.PSYCHOLOGY Employing principles from the major schools of psycho- analytical thought, successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate personality changes, bill yourself and fill out all medical insurance forms. Now do the same to the person seated to your immediate left.SOCIOLOGY Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the end of the world. Show how boy meets girl theory developed. Construct an experiment to test your theory.ECONOMICS Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all points of view. Point out deficiencies in your point of view as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.COMPUTER SCIENCE Define a computer. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all com- puter decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 ter- minals, each terminal to activate your algorithm, design the communications interface and all the necessary con- trol programs.PUBLIC-SPEAKING 2,500 riot crazed students are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.PHYSICS Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathe- matics on science.AGRICULTURAL SCIENCE Outline the steps involved in breeding your own super high yield, all weather hybrid strain of wheat. Describe its chemical and physical properties and estimate its im- pact on world food supplies. Construct a model for dea dealing with worldwide surpluses. Write your Nobel Prize acceptance speech.COMPREHENSION Three minute time test. Read everything before doing any- thing. Put your name in the upper right hand corner of this page. Circle the word name in sentence three. Sign your name under the title of this paper, after the title write "yes, yes, yes,." Put an X in the lower left hand corner of this paper. Draw a triangle around the X you just put down. On the back of this paper multiply 703x668. Loudly call out your name when you get to this point. If you think you have followed directions care- fully to this point call out "I have." Punch three small holes in the top of this paper. If you are the first per-o son to get this far, call out "I am the first person to this point, I am leading in following directions." On the reverse side of this paper add 8950 and 9850. Put a circle around your answer and put a square around the circle. Now that you have finished reading carefully, do only sentence two.POLITICAL SCIENCE There is a red telephone on the desk behind you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.EXTRA CREDIT Give today's date--in metric.CHEMISTRY Beginning with Schrodinger's equation, derive all physical and chemical properties of water. Discuss why it is the "universal solvent" and its role in all physico-biological processes. You may not ap- proximate in your derivations.GEOGRAPHY On the unmarked world map on the next page, correctly sketch in and label all the world's rivers that an- nually discharge over 4.3x10^10 metric tons of silt.PHARMACEUTICAL SCIENCE Compare and contrast the chemistry and side-effects of every leading brand of analgesic with those of Kings Soopers brand aspirin. Give all relevant data and graphs.ENGLISH Trace back to proto-Indo-European the etymologies of every English word containing "sk". Give all pos- sible cognates in German, Spanish, Czech, Illyrian, and Sanskrit.SPANISH Translate Homer's "Plato's "and John Irving's "into Old Spanish. Discuss in full all ambiguities that arise from the cultural barriers in humor and idioms between the two languages.LATIN Translate the works of Shakespeare into Ig-pa Atin-la and provide a comprehensive pronunciation guide. You are required to preserve all rhyming schemes and met- rical devices.GEOLOGY Describe the complete 4.5 billion-year geological his- tory of North America. Be sure to include effects due to volcanism, erosion, meteoritic impacts, strip-mining, and prairie dogs.ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING Design a gamma ray relay system for intercontinental communications. Discuss all possible design and imple- mentation problems and a systematic method for testing the system.MATHEMATICS Restricted to just one sheet of paper, a pencil, and basic arithmetic, you are to calculate the values of the first twenty Mersenne primes containing the digits in David Lee Roth's telephone number. Show all work.MOLECULAR BIOLOGY Using the molecular model kit underneath your desk, construct a complete model of a human epithelial cell. Demonstrate all cellular processes with your model, including anaerobic glycolysis, protein production, and mitosis. You may not collaborate with your neigh- bors.GENETIC ENGINEERING Using all accepted methods of genetic engineering, out- line the procedure for developing a hybridoma that will produce peanut butter. Do it. Note: You will flunk if you should happen to develop an incurable disease.
Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
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