Todays Quick Break October 30 2011

TODAY'S FUNNY PICSTODAY'S FUNNY SIGN More Funny SignsTODAY'S NEWSPAPER FAIL More Funny Newspaper HeadlinesPIC OF THE DAY: More Funny PicturesTODAY'S CUTE SHOT #1: More Cute PicturesTODAY'S CUTE SHOT #2: More Animal PicturesComments Newer Quick Break Older Quick Break FUNNY ENGLISHTODAY'S TEXTING ABBREVIATION QUIZ:WHAT DOES "J00" MEAN?YouWHAT DOES "DGTG" MEAN?Don't go there girlfriendWHAT DOES "EQ" MEAN?EverQuest (online gaming) More Texting AbbreviationsTODAY'S RIDDLE:Bartender and Drink:One day two men walked into the bar. Both men were exactly alike, a clone you could say. They both sat down for the bartender to fix them a drink. The first man sat down, waited on the bartender to fix his drink. When it was given to him he drunk it very fast, left, and had a happy life. The next man sat down, and waited on the bartender to fix his drink. When the drink was given to him he drunk it very slowly, and died right there on the spot. Why did the first man live but the second man die?The bartender placed a poison in both of the drinks. The trick is, the poison was in the ice. So, the first man drank the drink so fast that the ice didn't melt, so the poison did not get in his drink. The second man drank the drink way too slow, so the ice had time to melt out into the drink. The poison got into his drink and he died. More RiddlesDID THEY SAY IT? ~ Did GEORGE W. BUSH actually say "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." Yes. ~ Did MARK WAHLBERG actually say "In the neighborhood where I grew up, It wasn't even safe to steal hubcaps 'cause some stinking thief would steal them from you the same night. " No.TODAY'S INNOCENTENGLISH CLASSICS:Funny Classifieds:~ Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!~ Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.~ Modular Sofas. Only 299. For rest or fore play.Comments Newer Quick Break Older Quick Break FUNNY JOKES, QUOTES AND LINESTODAY'S FUNNY SAYINGS ~ When in doubt, poke it with a stick. ~ "Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked." -Kimberly BroylesTODAY'S STUPID QUESTIONS: ~ Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool? ~ Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?TODAY'S STAND UP COMEDY QUOTE: ~ (about call-waiting) It's turned into a mini people's choice awards. Hasn't it? And you find out right away who wins or loses.: You're having a pleasant conversation with what you think is a good friend. You hear the click. They tell you to hold on. You're confident they're going to come back to you. And then they come back and they say, "I've got to take this other call." And you know what that means what they just said to the other person? "Let me get rid of this other call." -- "ELLEN DEGENERES" ~ I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. -- "GEORGE CARLIN"TODAY'S PICK UP LINES: (USE AT YOUR OWN RISK!) ~ Let's play chess You turn off the light and I'll make the first move! ~ My neck hurts. Because as soon as you walked by I whipped my head!TODAY'S PUNS: ~ What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine. ~ Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"TODAY'S FUNNY SOUTHERN EXPRESSIONS: ~ Slicker than snot on a door knob! ~ Give me some sugar.TODAY'S JOKES ~ You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high- security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
~ A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion. I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's Holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him." They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."Comments Newer Quick Break Older Quick Break TODAY'S WORD GAMESTODAY'S CROSSWORD, SUKOKU AND HANGMAN:Today's Crossword Puzzle Today's Sudoku Puzzle Today's Hangman and other wordgamesComments Newer Quick Break Older Quick Break